I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
cause of death:
autopsy.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?