I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Jesus Christ lmao
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Finally, an explanation.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.