Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.