@StarksWeek: I'm not saying I'm bilingual but if you shout at me in German I'll probably do whatever you want
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@bobvulfov: [speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding
@IdoNotPoo: It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@kelkulus: Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.