Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”