The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”