I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Does it…does it take 3 days
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?