I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”