@Imjackinthebox: I'm not saying it is your fault, I said I'm blaming you.
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@McNarstle: Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.
@david8hughes: [first day as a negotiator] Me: release one hostage Terrorist: no Me: release half of one hostage
@GingerHotDish: Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving "costume" party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
@blade_funner: [the invention of ping pong] "I don't want this tiny ball." "Well, neither do I." "That makes me very angry." "Me too."