@Imjackinthebox: I'm not saying it is your fault, I said I'm blaming you.
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@shutupmikeginn: I lied and told someone, "I can't go to your party I have diarrhea." I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn't stopped me
@jlock17: I've stopped texting "K" and started texting "L" instead so I don't have to reach so far over with my thumb.
@Jenny4ashley: I haven't been around a baby in so long I can't even remember how to put their leash on.
@Cheeseboy22: Whenever I am with my family and someone says, "Wow, you have a beautiful family!" I reply, "Well, we left the ugly ones at home."