I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The glockness monster
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”