I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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What personal space?
My dog
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you