I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
This a good idea
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
the quokka and the viscacha look like they鈥檙e on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
when the author kills off your favorite character 馃槶馃槶馃槶
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My weight? That鈥檚 on a need to know basis and I don鈥檛 need to know!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
God: bite into this onion like it鈥檚 an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I鈥檒l sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven鈥檛 been invited to a single wedding this year.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”