@TheRealRHB: I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
@TeejayRush: Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad... Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it...
@ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
@chuuew: ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter] EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone? ME: You must be new here.