@TheRealRHB: I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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@TedOfficialPage: Everybody is tweeting "OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH", I'm like tf' you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
@NoTheOtherJohn: [gives date the "just one sec" sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]
@murrman5: did your friends rob that bank? "I'll never talk" I forgot that you're prejudice against robbers "what?!? some of my best friends rob banks"
@_Water_Baby: My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.