@TheRealRHB: I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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@EyeSeeYou619: [country music plays in elevator] ME: I hate Toby Keith HIM: This isn't Toby Keith ME:(leans into his face) I don't give a shit who this is
@HatfieldAnne: Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
@AbbyHasIssues: I feel like whoever named it a "magic marker" was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
@Sickayduh: Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn't have to be about you Me: but that's my autobiography