I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me My dog
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!