I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
What about a To-Don’t List?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth