I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media