I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?