I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’m not proud
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.