I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
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I only eat vegetarians.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Miscakes
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”