I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I think they could have phrased this better
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?