@MelanieShebel: I'm not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I've won and the number that I actually own.
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@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
@DaHess1: Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
@Carmel_Coleman: You're more likely to find something when you're not looking for it. Right now, I'm not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is 'contempt' ME: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?