I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I can’t be the only one 😂