@TheMichaelRock: I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.
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@ericsshadow: My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
@WarrenHolstein: Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm working on a screenplay called '127 Seconds' about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
@preritpathak: *At a clothing store* Worker: Do you need any help sir? Me: *Mixes "No, I'm good" & "No, I'm just looking"* Me:"No, I'm just good looking"