baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me if I was a dog
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Yoga Matt
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions