@TheMichaelRock: I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.
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@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
@eminmien: "What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?" I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she's seen something she shouldn't.
@WookieInMyPants: Me: Can I leave early? Boss: Why? Me: Death Boss: Who died? Me: No one yet Boss: Me: Boss: Get out
@jordan_stratton: *coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on* ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.