This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.