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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body