I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I told my vodka about you.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭