I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no