‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.