I’m putting together a team
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Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Why is no one talking about this?!
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.