I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest