I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
how to market bottled water to dads
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.