I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none