I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.