I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
You Might Also Like
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
this is me
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
There are no pants in heaven.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.