I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
how to market bottled water to dads
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.