I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*