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@SwoonTwang: I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive.
@JohnFugelsang: My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.
@HallJ0410: A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
@Tommytoughstuff: [After losing a rap battle]
"How did he get a hold of my credit score?"
@abbycohenwl: Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long
@Smooheed: Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying 'don't worry baby, I'll catch you if you fall' makes him run for a really really long time