*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I love it all
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait