I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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I thought this was funny lol
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.