@CarrieMayhem: I'm not stalking you. I'm getting to know you behind your back.
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@HomeProbably: I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
@HeSlimedMeRay: My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk. We take our lazy seriously around here.
@RandomAntics: Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
@AndrewChamings: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don’t want the kids to suffer ME: Eels