How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.