I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You Might Also Like
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Same pineapple, same
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.