I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
You Might Also Like
The news is so predictable nowadays
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.