I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.