I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
May have had one breakfast too many
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.