I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Children of the corn 🌽
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.