I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?