@bingowings14: I'm not superstitious, I'm just a bit stitious.
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@hammbone84: [Tornado siren blaring] Wife: Let's go to the basement. Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet. Wife: Me: I'll bring you a salad.
@alrightbob: "Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
@Jenny4ashley: SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.