I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
You Might Also Like
I am having an out of money experience.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Lucky old June.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The news in a nutshell.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
also my go-to takeaway order
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?