@dirtyddixon: I'm not superstitious, I'm just kindastitious!!!
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@KevinHart4real: I just saw a man get hit by a car...he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
@jergarl: My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is "DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR"
@iwearaonesie: wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*