I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You Might Also Like
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.