I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
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Oh the world we live in…
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
What my back needs
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.