I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Yes, but it was never about money
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee