I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh