I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
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The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.