@WhaJoTalkinBout: I'm not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I'm high or bc we're both high, but it's been 6 minutes and we're still just smiling
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@ilovepie84: "Jesus take the wheel" -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
@abhorrent_wife: Thanks to Target's full length 3 way mirrors, I'm now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
@VaultsOpen: My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.