@WhaJoTalkinBout: I'm not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I'm high or bc we're both high, but it's been 6 minutes and we're still just smiling
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@NervousJr: "Ugh, you're so obsessed with me." Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"
@ElleOhHell: [front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
@TheTalkingPipe: Don't care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you're male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.