Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God